LONELY, I AM SO LONELY…😢

The silence is deafening.  Asthma, arthritis, etc, all ailments that affect the body and slowly takes its toll on it.  Not all conditions are physical, some are both, they erode body and soul and can be felt with each step.   I use to have one of the worst afflictions: LONLINESS.  

“I’ll seduce you with my awkwardness” -Unknown.  My goofy, sweet and anxious personality can be summed up by this quote.  For years I have fumbled through uncomfortable introductions, my attempts at small talk would begin smoothly,  I was witty and friendly but after a couple of minutes my conversational skills would fail me and I would scramble to say something, anything!

I’ve always been a quiet person and friends were far and few between but I was not prepared for adult friendships.  Television often shows groups of female friends having a “girls night” laughing and talking about sex, money and horrible bosses;  it’s a scene that makes me sad because I have rarely experienced it.  It seems everyone has their clique of friends and aren’t interested in meeting new ones.   I’ve been lucky to have 1 great friend for many years but her life as a busy working mom doesn’t allow us to see each other often.  

I spent many nights at home bored or crying.  Sleep was my best friend.  It came to a point that I became sick of myself.  I was sick of being lonely.   I was sick of feeling like a loser.  It dawned on me that I must do something, I had to flex my social muscles that had atrophied due to lack of use.  So, I went out into the world with the purpose of learning how to conversate with others without fumbling over my words.

“People like people who like them”-unknown.  Compliments were the first phase of my socialization.  Grocery stores, gas stations, etc.  I made sure to dole out compliments to strangers which usually led to brief conversations, it was progress.  I still give out compliments, I learned that people need to hear them.

I graduated from giving compliments to visiting restaurants.  I would order a slice of pie or soup and hope that I could chatter with someone.   A majority of the time the staff is friendly, their tips depend on it.  Denny’s, Rubins and IHOP are my usual spots.  I would chat up the waitresses and over time I wasn’t a nameless customer anymore.  We knew each other’s names and tidbits about our lives.  I still frequent these places today but not out of a need for companionship, well only sometimes.   

One night after plowing through Oreos and crying I decided to go out.  I gathered my courage, dressed up and went to a local bar, The Loco Leprechaun.   I felt self-conscious sitting at the bar alone.  I tried to chat with the bartender but with no luck.  I forced myself to stay for an hour.  I left feeling defeated and tired.   A couple weeks later I decided to go to another bar, Mitchell’s Bar and Tavern.  Again, I dressed up, made my way to the bar and plopped myself down on a stool.  A very inebriated, old, drunk man struck up a conversation with me.  Spittle flew from his mouth as his words slurred but he kept talking to me, I took that as a small victory.  Eventually,  at the end of the bar, he spied a busty blonde and wandered in her direction.  

I hit the jackpot!  Two male friends, Mark and Leo, walked in and sat down beside me.  Mark, a slightly overweight but cute attorney struck up a conversation with me.  “Hi, how are you?”  This question led to an hour and a half conversation.  Leo lived in Florida and both were going to be in a friend’s wedding in a couple of days.  Naturally, the conversation led to exes, sex and dating advice.  After two huge bear hugs they left and I wore a huge grin driving home, victorious!  

I’ve made a couple of friends and even have an amazing boyfriend since then.  I love having time to myself but I want to have the choice to be alone, not be forced to be alone because I have no other options.  I have improved my conversational skills but I still struggle and that’s ok.  Want to talk?  😆